I just finished babysitting my friend’s children, and she has most definitely mastered the no spanking/alternative discipline route. I always talk about taking it because I don’t believe in abusing children, but I’ve never personally seen it in action by a Black parent. Her children are 2 and 5 and they are the kindest, nicest toddlers I’ve ever met. They listen to her because she’s their mom and they automatically recognize she’s important and she gives them what they want (love and affection and rewards). In return they like to clean for her and give her artwork and cuddles all of the time.
To get them to listen to her, she makes sure to listen to them and what they’ve got to say instead of telling them to shut up all the time. The 5 year old asked her a few months ago why you can’t eat food that was on the floor after picking up food on the floor, and she explained it calmly and clearly. He asked 4 other questions after that and she answered all of them. He was satisfied and happy with the answers, and ever since he hasn’t done those things. She lets them gush and gush about Hot Wheels or Team Umizoomi and engages with them and counts with them and everything, so they never feel alone or neglected enough to not want to obey.
My friend lets them make mistakes by themselves on the rare chance they don’t listen so they can learn from them and let that be punishment enough. For example, the younger one we’ve been telling not to go near the dog cage because he doesn’t like dogs. He went near it a while ago, got his hand licked, freaked out, and hasn’t been anywhere near it since. The board on the wall that she uses has a column for each boy horizontally, and vertically are all the traits she wants them to have, like being nice, listening to her and their teachers, eating their food, cleaning up, having manners, etc. They get a sticker whenever they do it for the day, and they lose all their stickers when they break a habit. That’s enough punishment for them, so they don’t break it.
When they wake up, it’s cleanup time, or bedtime, she plays what she calls “musical habits”. She puts on a playlist of their favorite songs (it’s like 20-25 minutes) that make them feel motivated, and they should be finished getting ready or cleaning by the time the last song is over. If they’re not, they get a toy from their toy bin taken away or an Oreo from their snack bag taken out (aka eaten by her). But she hasn’t ever gotten to that because they always finish. They don’t even like hearing the consequences lol. And I just wanted to say I really enjoyed seeing good parenting by a Black woman that wasn’t abusive or harmful to the child’s development, it gave me inspiration and hope. Just had to talk about it somewhere.
I wrote this post about a year ago. Since then, I’ve become the godmother to both of these babies, and they are STILL so well behaved. I babysit from time to time. They’re also enrolled in Montessori programs.
She’s now teaching them about mindfulness, Spanish, self care, and cooking. They have little yoga mats and practice breathing in and out with her every morning, and then they do affirmations together. I visited them a while back and they have a new board up! She created a system where they’re challenged with the task to do something nice for each other or for someone else every week. With this challenge they’re instructed to use their listening skills to figure out what that person might want or need, and then figure out how they should react. The only reward at the end of the week is a big hug and some snacks, and every month, she lets them have a movie day if they’ve done really well.
She’s also making them use their words when they’re upset instead of grumbling in silence. Her oldest one was notorious for that. She made up a little saying to remind him: “Mommy can’t help if Mommy doesn’t know.” It’s forced him to explain why he’s upset and that gives them a chance to have an actual conversation about it. Now they talk about ANYTHING. If they don’t feel like talking at that moment and they express that, she’ll lead them to their playroom and turn their favorite show on or let them meditate or draw until they’ve cooled down. She also accepts letters if they just didn’t want to use their words. It was so good to watch.
By the way, I got many messages about this post asking me to ask my friend where she learned these techniques. She said that she wrote down all the ways her parents hurt, hindered, or stunted her developmental growth and then wrote down ways they could’ve approached it better or loved her better. That second list is her guideline.
I usually see people say they’re never gonna treat their kids like their parents treated them yet end up doing it anyways. So this is encouraging… knowing that it is possible to be better than you’re parents.
I and some colleagues were talking about how we wish everyone could see the safety videos that our company was showing us, because I don’t think most people understand how traffic works in a truck. So here’s some things we wish everyone on the road knew.
- we’re not kidding about tailgating. If you’re right behind us on a straight highway? Chances are we have NO IDEA you’re there, which means we can’t anticipate any of your movements. Plus slowing down takes multiple downshifts, so we might start decreasing speed way earlier than you expect.
- We’re not kidding about any of our blind spots. WE CAN’T SEE YOU, GUYS.
- That bit about slowing down taking a while? The same goes for when you’re in front of us. Don’t cut off a truck. Oh god, PLEASE don’t cut off a truck. If you cut me off, I’m not irritated, I’m terrified. For YOU. It can take 7 to 9 seconds for us to stop. DON’T CUT OFF TRUCKS.
- Before you get mad about how slow we’re going on the highway, keep in mind that many companies govern their vehicles so they literally CAN’T go over 60 or 65. This is a good thing, I promise. Because…
- Do you know what happens when a car meets a truck in an accident? The car gets totaled and the truck needs a new coat of paint. You will not win this fight. I know nobody likes getting stuck behind a big dumb truck, but it’s not worth your life.
We are trying our best to protect you from our 80,000 pound death machines. Please help us out.
This information is actually useful. Thanks for posting.
Hey, I don't know if you ever remember me. I've sent you a lot of stuff over the years. Sometimes I'd be drunk and probably send some crazy rambling thing about how much I like you and want to be your friend. I don't mean to take advantage, but I know you have a very large following and I just wanted to see if you could promote something for me.. Saturday night, my husband was fucking murdered. Somebody shot him.I'm trying to raise money for funeral and personal expenses because I was (cont)
(cont) financially dependant on him because I had been laid off. He was a wonder, beautiful man and I am so heartbroken. I have a gofundme and I feel weird even fucking asking. My name is Taylor Mixon and the gofundme is under “Helping-Taylor-Mixon” and I’m pretty sure you might could find it from that and maybe share it if you please can. It has a picture of me and him about to go kayaking and I’ve got on sunglasses and space buns and he’s the ethereally beautiful, radiant man standing beside me.
This is horrific.
You have my heartfelt condolences. I am so, so sorry. I don’t know how much me sharing will help, but if anyone could help spread this around and donate it would be the right thing to do.
every single negative stereotype about women was dreamt up by men who were projecting. fight me about it.
“women can’t drive”
It is so well known that women are better and safer drivers than men that OUR CAR INSURANCE RATES ARE LOWER. Women get into fewer accidents, get fewer DUIs, and receive fewer speeding tickets than men.
“women never shut up”
Several scientific studies have shown that not only do men talk more than women, they also think that women have been talking for much longer than they actually have. Men interrupt and talk over women, dominate conversations, and still think women talk too much.
“women are shallow”
Lol next
“my wife is my ball and chain lmao”
Multiple studies have shown that marriage between men and women: Increases male lifespan, decreases female lifespan Decreases male depression rates, increases female depression rates Decreases male stress levels, increases female stress levels Increases male health and happiness, decreases female health and happiness Increases a man’s chance of getting a raise or promotion, decreases a woman’s chances of getting a raise or promotion
“women are too emotional”
Men love to say this about women after hurting them, in order to shift the blame and dismiss their feelings in one go. In reality, women are taught to hold our tongues and control ourselves quite literally from birth. We’re taught to put men’s needs and wants ahead of our own emotions regardless of the personal cost. Men are taught to do more or less whatever the fuck they want to women. Men take their emotions out on women while women are expected to shove theirs down.
I could go on and on but I don’t really think I need to.
“women are shallow” (just read the book, Dataclysm. by okcupid founder (?) that includes data about sex, gender, race, in finding online romantic partners)
